I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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