i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
You're like the curious george of whores
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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