you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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