he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
