It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
