Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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