Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Randomize
