Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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