your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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