He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
