FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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