I'm gonna have a badass scar
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
