Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
