just come out here and I will go home with you...
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
