I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
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