3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
at some point to night u and I have a 'meeting' too...(1-737): I hope so
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
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