Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
