I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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