I could make wine with my vomit
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize
