At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
