I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
