my phone needs a breathalizer
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
