What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
two words: eviction party
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
