Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Randomize
