If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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