Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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