In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
