i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
