Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
