Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
