You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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