i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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