Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
