It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
