I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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