did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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