She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I can feel your judgement through the phone
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
