My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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