just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
