I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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