Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
