your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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