so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
