Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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