You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
