1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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