I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
