I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
