one two three fourrrrnication!
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
