I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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